Last Class

I rarely do rants in this blog. A cousin once told me that it's attention-seekingly stupid to do such things. But please allow me to do it just this once. I really need to get it off my chest. You are free to skip this post completely and move on to the happier ones. After all, it's my blog and it's your right to not read it.

Today, I entered my room and cried.

I'm a guy and it's embarrassing to admit it, but yea I did. The usual happy-go-lucky me, cried. For hours on end, once in a while stopping to think about my situation. Been awhile since I shed tears. Really felt better after that, no regrets.

You see, ever since I came to Japan, I've been praised a lot, maybe too much. Still can't get used to it coz I don't think I'm worthy of such praises. Anyway, apart from the usual friendly, sociable, kind, bla bla bla, friends and teachers alike said that my Japanese is really good. Winning the speech contest helped to build such a rep.

Of course I sincerely reject that notion coz I still have a long way to go. A long, long way to go. Kanji. New words. New grammar constructs. The list goes on. My confidence in Japanese studies often wane whenever I hear a Japanese conversation or read a manga.

For that reason, I study. And I study hard. Yes I do! Heck, I have Kanji writings pinned on my wall, not just anime posters. I study the textbook almost everyday. I take note of every unknown word in the manga I read. All this really takes a lot out of me, but I'm ok. At least, I WAS ok. I had the intense drive to improve myself.

Up till now it might sound like I'm showing off, but that's not true. I'm merely stating the great deal of effort I put into learning Japanese, exactly because I'm weak in it.

Due to this diligence I did very well in class, much better than I expected. I was number one in class for the first semester, and number two for the second. Then there's this separate exam (let's call it ability test) where it tests your level of Japanese, and the school won't tell you the result, just for their own processing.

During the mandatory counselling session, the teacher showered me with sweet words like how good my Japanese is and how well I did during the speech contest. Not even a word of complaint or criticism. Didn't say how badly I did in that ability test either.

You would think that with those praises you'd have a higher expectation of yourself.

Then came the new semester. It was class placement time.

In my school, each class is represented by a letter, then a number. A1 is the same as A2, but B1 is better than B2, which is better than B3, then C1, C2 and C3.

To my utter shock, I was placed in the worst class in the morning session. That's right, I'm in C3. So I thought, hey maybe my close ex-classmates are there too.

Nuh-uh, I was grouped with my ex-classmates who were either not serious or just loves to sleep during class. The others, Nae and Sen Nyeo in A1, Dzaid and Go in A2, Hemming in B1 and Bomi in B2. I sincerely congratulated them, but I couldn't shake this feeling that something was wrong.

So I went to my previous homeroom teacher. Maybe I was wrong about the class system. She said nope. I got curious and asked why am I in C3, and she answered "Maybe it was the result of that ability test?". I love my teacher and all, but that answer was so ridiculously ambiguous. No matter how much I pressed, she won't tell me the result of that ability test.

And starting from there, my thoughts were in a mess. I don't expect you to understand how disappointed I was, but seriously I was slumped. Still am now.

You mean, all that studying in hopes to learn more advanced stuff was all for naught? What about that part where I pushed myself to get past all those Chinese and Korean classmates who can read Kanji naturally to get number one and two? I'm not the kiasu type, so I'm not really concerned too much about position in class and stuff, but it's the only measurement of my ability.

Then I thought about it somemore. What am I supposed to do to become better? Must I push myself further? Thanks to today's event, what was waning confidence before is now totally non-existent.

And I'm thinking, this whole adventure is really costing a lot of money. I love being in Tokyo and all, but will I eventually be able to do what I want to do here, or is this a whole big waste of money? I still can stop now and save one whole year worth of school tuition, apartment rent, food, transportation, bills, etc. That amounts to tens-of-thousands of ringgit.

Thinking and thinking and thinking.

The optimistic voice in me is saying "You're not done yet right? You have a long way to go, so prove to them that you can do it!". I'm sure there are more chances to jump to a better class, but that's what I thought last semester too. At least to be at the same pace with my classmates. Now I'm falling behind. WAY behind.

If I continue, what am I supposed to do? Be superhuman and study at least 16 hours a day? Then will I only become better? Or should I channel my energy pursuing other things in life?

My eyes hurt like hell now. I just wanna rest from school for two days and think this over carefully. It'll possibly be one of the biggest decisions of my life. All the best to me.

Thanks for reading, my friend.